Feeling Lost

Do you ever just feel like you’re lost? You know you want to be doing something but you don’t know how to start.

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I am currently participating in the #hotandsticky writing challenge as well as Camp NanoWriMo. My goal for the month is 18k. I am about on par for where I need to be for Camp NanoWriMo but I am extremely behind on the #hotandsticky challenge of 55k by the end of August.

One thing that I am extremely happy about is the fact that I have written EVERY SINGLE DAY since the first of June! It feels great to know that I have made such an amazing habit.

But the last few days, I feel like I am just in a slump. Like everything and anything that I write is trash and not worthy of putting down on paper, or in my Word document rather. 🙂

It know it’s not. I know that I’m just in a dark phase and I will move past it. This too shall pass.

I just need to focus on me and my happiness. I’m used to listening to everyone else and helping them with their needs and well-being but I need to focus on me.

Julia Cameron, in The Artist’s Way, suggest Artist’s Dates. Take yourself, by yourself, out on date. Do something creative. Whether it’s to a coffee shop to journal and people watch, or maybe to a stationary store to treat yourself to a new pen or notebook. Do something for you!

I have friends who support my writing endeavor. They give me encouragement. They give me prompts and ideas at times too.

I’m thankful for them and their encouragements but I don’t need to think so much about them and their thoughts and opinions that I let it affect my writing. My writing is for me. If I ever publish professionally, it will be for others to enjoy but it will still be for me ultimately.

There are people that don’t understand why I write what I write. They don’t understand my wanting to write Male/Male (M/M) Romantic fiction. I could go on and

on for hours about how I felt like I was such an outcast in high school because I knew that I was different and I felt like no one ever was going to be the same as I was.

My friends were alright with my being gay but my parents, they were not.

They didn’t understand. They hated it. My family was never the same after my coming out. My coming out hadn’t even been intentional. A forgotten note left in a jeans pocket before laundry day.

 

But any-who, when I was in high school, I never dated. I never went to the prom. I never went down to the lake and broke curfew because I was too busy making out.

I never had the opportunity because there was never anyone else like me that I could connect with in high school.

That is why I turned to writing. If I couldn’t experience the love and romance that I wanted to, my characters sure as hell were going to.

That’s why, when I write, most of my characters end up living blissfully happily ever after.

I’m happy for the most part myself. I have a good job. I don’t make a lot of money. But its a fairly easy job. I have a bit of down time where I can ponder on my story.

I have friends and family that love me but I am still alone in a romantic sense. Is it because I’m scared? Yes. I’ll admit that. I’m scared to put myself out there because I’ve been hurt in the past.

The following quote is from the 2007 movie Shelter. The scene is Tory and Zach at the beach. Zach is unsure of moving forward with his relationship with Shawn.

“We don’t belong to people forever.” Tory to Zach – Shelter
“Then why bother?” Zach to Tory – Shelter

Why bother? You have to go after what you want because if you don’t, you’ll never know what you were missing.

🙂 Seems kind of ironic considering I’m alone and haven’t went after what I wanted. But in regards to my writing, I’m trudging ahead!

Happy Writing Everyone! Huge Hugs!!

A CHANGE 

Tomorrow is a new month! It’s the month of Nanowrimo. It’s also the month of my birth and that seems spiritual to change and change is exactly what I am going to do!

I need to focus on my writing! I need to focus on getting my finances in order! I need to focus on changing any and all aspects of my life for the better to live a happier and healthier life!

I am fixing to start reading Living Beyond Your Emotions by Joyce Meyer and I am adventuring on the Nanowrimo journey as well!

Best wishes to all!

Lady In The Streets

As soon as he walked through the door, I was on him. My hands on either side of his face, my lips on his.

“You’re always so feisty when we come home from the bar,” he said between my kisses, nips and bites along his jaw and throat.

He still had no clue.

“You just don’t get it, do you?” I asked, panting slightly as I stepped back from him.

“What?”

“The fact that it drives me insane having to pretend like I’m just nothing to you. You can act like the macho straight guy that just sits there and teases the little gay guy. Asking me if I want you to fuck me. Asking me if I want to spit on your dick. Darlin’, you know good and well that you aint never fucked me.”

“Uhhh,” he started but I stopped him with a finger to his lips.

“Uh uh. You aint never fucked me. You make love to me. I know you got an image to keep up in public and I guess if it means you come home to me at night, I’ll let you keep up your image on the outside,” I said, sliding my arms around him, my head in the crook of his neck. “But I should tell you, there’s a rumor going around the store that you’re a lady in the streets but a freak between the sheets.”

“And just who started that rumor?”

“Don’t look at me. I didn’t. But I like to know that it’s true.”

One of These Days

​I smiled when he walked through the breakroom door. I had totally forgot that he was coming into work at 1. Tapping my phone, I saw that it was just then 12:30.

Letting my head fall down, I groaned, “Oh god.”

“Playing with your tags?” he asked as he sat down at the corner of the table I was working at.

“Bored sitting back here.”

“Well how about I mess up your tags?” he said, grabbing a stack and spreading them around the table.

“No! Don’t! Marilyn will get pissed.”

“You scared of Marilyn,” he teased.

“Bullshit. She can shove it up her ass. Just don’t want to hear her shit.”

“I hear ya,” he said, smiling.

It made my heart warm to see that beautiful smile on his face.

“What?” he asked, the smile bigger than ever.

“Just love that smile, is all,” I said and he blushed.

“Jay!?” he said, looking around.

“What?”

“What if someone hears you?” he asked.

“Does it honestly matter?”

We’d had this conversation a couple times since we had gotten together and it always ended the same way.

“Course it does!”

Now it was my time to smile.

“Are you ashamed of me? Cause I’m sure as shit not ashamed of you and I’d like people to know that you the man that I love.”

“Don’t you think that I wouldn’t want that too?”

“Then what’s the big deal, Bitch?”

“Big deal is that I don’t want to lose my job.”

“Darlin’, I don’t think that’d happen.”

I knew that it scared him. Truthfully, if I was completely honest with myself, it scared me too but the love I had for that boy kept the fear at bay.

Knowing that when I got home from work, Clark would be there or at least he would get home from work eventually and we’d cook dinner together and enjoy some beers in front of the TV.

“You gotta admit that when I call you Darlin’, you get a little hot bothered, makes your dick twitch inside those boxer-briefs you look so fuckin’ fine in,” I said wrapping rubber bands around the stacks of tags that were done.

The blush was even darker then.

“Okay, I’ll stop with the affection but,” I said, leaning down next to his ear as I gathered up all my stuff. “One of these days you’re gonna marry me.”

I patted his cheek as I stepped past him.

~000o(8)o000~

Merry Christmas, Cowboy

christmasgiftsuggestions So, Tamara over at the WriteStuff Google Group issued us another awesome challenge. Her challenge follows as such:

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Your mission- if you choose to accept it:

Write a short story about a holiday that either brings a couple together, or tears them apart. The holiday can be any of your choosing. Let’s keep it closer to flash fiction with under 2,000 word limit. 

Be sure to share the link to your story in this event page, read each others’ work, comment, and share!

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I simply love these challenges, especially around the holidays. The fall and winter holidays are always my favorite because I am more of  fall/winter person.

So, without further ado, on to my contribution for this wonderful challenge.

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